


Holding On To You

by angelicrainbow



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and angst maybe I'm not sure yet, Insecurity is a bitch, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-05-23 22:32:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6132277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelicrainbow/pseuds/angelicrainbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis' just a tiny bit insecure, and overthinks everything. Upon entering a whole new university, he meets some excellent friends. And then... there's Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [youngnreckless](https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngnreckless/gifts).



> Okay, so I don't really know where to start. This is my first fanfic and I'm sorta stressed.  
> Apologies in advance if this whole thing ends up a disaster. Also please keep in mind that in no way do these characters represent who they are in real life. With that said, I may mess around with them a bit.
> 
> -
> 
>  
> 
> This fanfic is dedicated to Haz. I wouldn't be doing this without her continuous support, and I love her to bits. She is my sister for life, as well as my best friend and soulmate, and a massive shoutout to her account (youngnreckless).

It was fucking big. Everything seemed to glow, polished and flawless. Hah. _Flawless_. Louis' mouth turned sour, the acrid cleaning smells floating in the air and it really fucking stank. His eyes scanned the room, taking in the modern furniture and the warm afternoon light floating in through a massive window that overlooked the courtyard. How fancy. Just another lovely thing sent his way that he'd destroy sooner or later. Good things in life rarely came to Louis, and when they did, he always found a way to make it as shitty as possible. 

It became stifling for him, standing in the doorway to his new dorm in a whole new fucking university, breathing in the clean, toxic smells that just served to remind him that _he didn't belong here._ It was all too perfect for him. Too prim and proper. It really irked him. He was here to get some education in him, to pull his shit together and get a job. Not to have the whole, immaculate place rubbed in his face like a cruel reminder at how incompetent and useless he was.

He was a flawed tool, after all.

The words tumbled around in his head. _Flawed tool. A flawed tool. Flawed. Tool._

Fuck. 

Louis felt a lump forming in his throat. Those words, plain as they seemed, hit him hard. Because that was what Father Dearest was fond of calling him, wasn't it? A heavy feeling settled in his chest and he sank into a crouch on the floor. His arms hugged his body and he pressed his eyes shut, hoping to block out the memories that threatened to overwhelm him. The hopelessness, the sadness, the pain, the feeling of _never being enough._

Louis wasn't going to cry; he couldn't. He couldn't let his father get to him like this. And that was another reason why he came here, to get away from his past and start fresh. A step to independence. There wouldn't be anyone telling him he couldn't. So he had to do good, just to prove to himself and his father that he could. Taking a deep breath, he wiped away the moisture that had sprung so easily to his eyes and stood up. 

To see someone standing awkwardly in the doorway. 

"Are you alright?" Louis watched the stranger blurt out. He mentally cursed. Now the poor boy would think he was unstable, or something like that. And Louis bit back a laugh at just how fucking accurate they would be.

"Yeah." Louis said, lacing his words with a reassuring smile. "Just a bit overwhelming, new university, new people and all that."

"New, are you? Do you want help getting adjusted then? I'm Liam, by the way. I can show you around if you like," offered the boy politely. 

"That would be great, thanks. Louis."

They shake hands, then. Louis' sweaty, clammy palm sliding against Liam's own strong hand.

"Are you still unpacking? I'll come by after in around an hour and we can maybe grab lunch, if you want? I was just heading to my friend's dorm and your door was open..." Liam trailed off awkwardly. Louis didn't blame him. 

He nodded in answer and mumbled out a vague, "Yeah, thanks."

After a brief exchange of numbers (although Louis just knew it was out of pity), Liam departed.

Wow.

Louis' mind whirred around. Liam seemed like a nice enough guy, but then he also just witnessed Louis having a mini break down. So it went without saying that Liam would go and tell all his friends what an absolute oddity Louis was. Actually, he was probably telling his friends at this very moment.

Groaning, Louis resisted the urge to just crawl up into a dark corner, and instead he began the tedious work of unpacking and making the stupid flat at least a little bit bearable. 

**

An hour of putting away clothes and folding them up seemed like a century. Meanwhile, Louis continually checked his phone for a text from Liam saying that he was busy and couldn't make it. The sense of dread crawled in and Louis just _knew_ that Liam wouldn't come, and really, it wouldn't be a surprise.

A knock on the door startled him out of his miserable examination of an odd pair of socks. Walking slowly to the door, he had half convinced himself that it wouldn't be Liam, it wouldn't be Liam, it wouldn't be Liam. He opened the door... and there stood Liam. Louis let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding, and gave a small smile.

"You came."

Liam looked confused for a moment. 

"Of course I came, I said I would, didn't I?"

Louis didn't say anything to that, but he felt a warm, gentle buzz in his chest, and he was just a tiny bit grateful when Liam didn't press further.

"There's a café on the corner I want to show you, and they have excellent coffee. My mate, uh, Niall is already there. He's a good lad. You'll like him."

"Niall?" Louis asked hesitantly. 

"He's Irish," came the reply, immediate and as if being Irish solved everything. And maybe it did, because Louis didn't feel as apprehensive.

As they walked, with Liam leading the way and making an excellent tour guide, Louis realised that he, well... trusted Liam. Quite a fair bit. In the space of Liam stumbling upon Louis' little moment and then still coming to take him to lunch, he felt a sense of security around the boy. Maybe it was the honest face Liam had, or maybe it was something about his presence that just made Louis feel comfortable.

They arrived at the café, a quaint little shop on the corner of a busy road, with Louis already knowing his way around the uni like the back of his hand due to Liam's guidance. 

"Niall should be here already, he texted me saying he'd gotten a table..."

Louis heard Niall before he saw him. A loud and enthusiastic shout of, "Oi, Liam!" attracted the attention of everyone within the vicinity, and then it was just Niall everywhere, a rosy-cheeked ball of energy bounding towards them and sloshing beer all over the place.

Laughing, Liam said, "Are we drunk, now? This is Louis, he's new. Calm down or you'll scare him off!"

This brought out another cackle from Niall as he turned to examine Louis. 

"How are ya, Louis? Want a drink? I've already had around about a hundred, waiting for you two slow arses! What were you doing, fucking?" This was all said very quickly and at a horrendous volume.

Louis stared.

And abruptly burst into laughter, throwing his head back and clasping Niall on the shoulder. 

'You are a right fucker, you are!" Louis exclaimed, and even giggling when Niall shoved his beer into Louis' hand. Yes, giggling. He chugged down the beer, to Liam's disapproval.

"I don't want to have to deal with two drunk people!" protested Liam, shaking his head.

"Oh, do be quiet, Liam! Learn to live, won't you?" Niall grinned, and holding onto Louis' arm, tugged him out onto the street.

"Where are you going? Louis hasn't tried the coffee yet! Louis, come back!" Liam shouted, exasperated. But Niall continued walking, keeping Louis' arm in a firm grasp. With an annoyed sigh, Liam followed behind, a little pout on his lips.

It was at this moment that Louis realised no one back home in Doncaster would recognise him now. Laughing, drinking beer with an Irish boy and a reluctant Liam trailing behind. It was the picture of silliness and fun, two things that Louis was never really associated with. But it was a nice feeling, Louis thought. The sounds of his laugh were foreign to him, and it had been a long time since he had laughed like this. 

That night, they drank themselves into oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the rushed ending and I know it was short, but I hope to update the next chapter soon, and hopefully that will be longer.
> 
> Much love,  
> angelicrainbow xx


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is just a bit overwhelmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by the song The Projectionist by Sleeping At Last. It's a song that describes Louis' emotions, and I love it.

Louis awakened to a spinning ceiling and fresh sheets. His groggy mind struggled to process the unfamiliar room and instead, had a very vivid memory of Niall vomiting on to the sidewalk. He let out a soft chuckle, groaning when it fuelled the splitting headache in his head further. 

A blonde, grinning head poked around the door.

"Morning, sleepyhead. Great morning, isn't it? Sun is shining, birds are chirping," Niall beamed, flopping down beside Louis on the bed. 

That fucker. 

"Nnufhg," came Louis' response as he buried himself deeper into the sheets. "What time is it?" 

"Not too early. Five-thirty, I think." 

"What?" Louis screeched. "What are you doing here at five-thirty? Let a poor man sleep!" 

"But, Louis..." 

"Shut up. I have a terrible headache. Quit that god-awful whining noise you're making, you _animal_!" 

"Oh, Louis' hungover is he?" 

"Yes, now shut up! Why the fuck aren't you hungover? It isn't fair," moaned Louis into his pillow, jabbing Niall in the ribs.

"You're just too _weak_ , Tommo!" Niall laughed, and got up. "Get ready in ten, yeah? We're going out with Liam, he's upset that you didn't get to try his 'great coffee'. It's not that great, but that's a secret between me and you..."

Niall continued talking a bit longer, but Louis had stopped listening all of a sudden. When Niall finally left, closing the door behind him, Louis was left staring intently at a point in the ceiling, suddenly feeling like someone had punched him in the stomach. _Weak_.

Niall had just called him weak. Didn't he? 

He did, Louis heard him. 

Louis was frozen, not moving, not seeing. Of course it was too good to be true, to have found two friends on the first few days who accepted him for who he was. Was that really what Niall viewed him as? Weak? 

It was funny, really. In an ironic sort of way. Because that was exactly what everyone had called him in primary and secondary school. Weak. When he cried over a grazed knee, over an insult, over that movie they watched in 10th grade. Weak. 

_You're just too weak, Tommo_!

And Louis _knew_ he wasn't strong, but did Niall really despise him because he was weak? Was that what Liam thought of him too? It was a lot to process, but Louis realised how sickly and annoying he must have seemed to Liam and Niall all this time. A short, skinny, pale boy. Maybe that was why he was at Niall's dorm right now, because Niall _pitied_ him for being too weak. 

It all made sense. Liam had obviously told Niall how unstable Louis was, and together they had both felt obliged to look after him, because he wasn't fit to look after himself.

Almost like Louis was some charity case they had to work on.

All of the elation and drunken moments from last night seemed to dissipate, leaving Louis feeling hollow and so, so confused. How could he have let himself trust that Niall and Liam wouldn't be thinking all this behind his back? How could he have let his guard down so easily?

"... Sorry, I forgot, do you want clean clothes too?" Niall barged into the room again, holding a t-shirt and black jeans. He took one look at Louis, who hadn't moved from his bed and who was staring at Niall with a confused and hurt look written all over his face. 

"Louis? Mate? What's wrong?" 

Louis was quiet. Curling himself into a ball, he met Niall's eyes and quickly looked away. 

"Am I really that weak? Is it true? I know, I can be too sensitive. Does that annoy you? I can start going to the gym as well if you'd like. Build up a bit more muscle. In fact, is it open today? I'd like to go—"

"Louis. Shut up. What on earth are you talking about?" Niall asked, a frown on his face, as he walked slowly to where Louis was still curled up.

"I'm sorry, was I talking too much? I'm really sorry, I'll stop. I mean, I was just telling you I can go to the gym right now."

Louis felt utterly disgraceful. He tried to make himself as small as possible, and turned away from Niall so he wouldn't see the moisture in his eyes. That was another sign that he was too weak. He should really stop crying at every single little fucking thing. 

"Fuck Louis, I don't understand. Talk to me." Niall pleaded. 

"I'm sorry for being so weak." a tremble in Louis' voice betrayed him. He furiously blinked away the stupid tears. No more crying for him. 

"I— fuck Louis, is this because I called you weak? That was a joke, fuck, I didn't mean it..." Niall looked shattered. He reached for Louis, clawing helplessly at his arm. 

"That was a joke, was it? You know what else is a joke? Me." Louis said quietly, pulling his arm out of Niall's grasp.

It was at that moment that Liam chose to arrive, storming in through the door and brandishing three large cups of coffee in the air triumphantly. He stopped upon seeing the broken mess that was Louis and the helpless look on Niall's face. The excited grin on his face was quickly replaced by a concerned expression. 

"Louis? Niall? What's going on?" 

Louis felt his throat tightening. It was always a sure sign he was going to cry. 

"I didn't mean it!" Niall said, sounding frantic. "I called Louis weak, but I really didn't mean it! I'm so sorry, Louis!"

Liam frowned, pausing to look at Louis. Understanding seemed to dawn on his face.

"Louis...? Did you hear that? Niall said he didn't mean it, so what's the problem?" he asked slowly. 

Swallowing, Louis shook his head. He felt his eyes burning, a hot moisture coating the surface. It was that point in crying, the fine line between composure and falling apart. If he blinked, the tears would spill onto his cheeks and—no. _No_. He wouldn't cry. Instead, he took in deep breaths, before meeting Liam's eyes. 

And his face crumpled, a hot stream of tears pouring down his cheeks, blurring his vision. Shit. Burying his face in his hands, he turned away. He had to get the look on Liam's face out of his head, erase it from his memory. Because there was just so much worry and care and sadness in his eyes, and Louis just couldn't do it. Instead, he pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, hoping to push back the tears. 

Arms wrapped around him. It was Liam and Niall, hugging him and holding him together. They had joined him on the bed and were stroking his back, murmuring comforting noises. For a while it was just the three of them in silence, waiting for Louis to regain his composure. Finally, Liam spoke. 

"Louis, I want you to know... that you're the strongest person that I've ever come across. And... when you—I know that you've maybe not had an easy past or some fucked up shit has happened to you, but Niall and I will never hold that against you. And I know we've only just met yesterday, but we like you, _a lot_ , and we care about you so much. I don't know what's going through your head right now, but I need you to know that Niall didn't mean what he said, and—"

"And I'm so, goddamn sorry, Louis." Niall blurted out. "I, erm... I'm not big on speeches and all, but everything Liam said is true and I really, really didn't mean it when I called you weak, and please don't think from now on that it's how I view you, because that's completely wrong and I'm such a dick and please, please forgive me?"

Louis didn't know what to say. He was completely taken aback. And he didn't want to believe them, but he did, he really did. He believed every single word they said and it might one day become his downfall, but at that moment, nothing mattered. Nothing mattered but the genuine, concerned and slightly hopeful looks on Niall and Liam's faces. 

Louis tried for a smile, and was relieved when they returned them. There were still tear streaks on his cheeks and he was sniffling slightly, but he didn't care anymore.

"Yeah, I'm uh, sorry too. For overreacting. It was so stupid—" 

"Shut up, Louis. Enough of that self-criticism, okay?" Niall gently interrupted him. 

Which... was a change. And it shocked Louis, to put it mildly. It was all so new and different, to have someone disagree with him like that. He was so used to bashing himself up, then have people agree and taunt him further. 

"Um, thank you. Really. Um, you were right, Liam, I didn't have the best past, or whatever." So now Louis was opening up a bit. Okay, that was another change. "And, people called me weak all the time... like, when I cried too easily or fell behind in gym class."

Niall looked sick, the colour draining from his face.

"But please don't feel bad or anything," Louis continued quickly, reassuring Niall. "I just wanted to let you know, that's all."

"Thanks for telling us, Louis..." Liam said with a grateful smile, then trailing off, unsure of what to say next. The three of them sat in awkward silence, Louis glancing at Niall and Liam and then ducking shyly away.

"So. _Guys_. Instead of sitting around, I propose we get up and do something fun, anyone with me? There's a week till term starts, and I want to enjoy it!" Niall said loudly and abruptly, flicking Louis' cheek. Louis grinned and shoved Niall back, and they started wrestling each other right then and there on the bed, like they were toddlers and not in their early twenties.  

"Oi! OI! Can we _please_ try the coffee now? It's gone all cold," Liam said, with the demeanour of a sulky child. So they were _all_ little kids then.

Laughing, Louis launched himself at him and they fell backwards onto the bed, Liam with a groan and a roll of his eyes. 

"Try the coffee, goddamnit!" he yelled, causing Niall to double over laughing and reach for the three lonely cups of coffee.

Passing one to Louis and Liam, Niall took a tiny sip and grimaced.

"Um, wow! That's some good, cold, tasteless coffee right there!" he said, making tiny retching noises when Liam wasn't looking. Louis let out a snort as he too, took a sip of it. And immediately felt the urge to spit it back out. It had gone cold and, well, tasteless. And frankly speaking, it was not very good at all. Managing a half-enthusiastic face, he smiled at Liam, praying it didn't seem like a wince.

"Yum!" 

Liam eyed the pair suspiciously, taking a large gulp from his own cup. 

"God, that is terrible!" he spluttered out, looking so very disappointed. 

Louis and Niall burst out into simultaneous laughter at the priceless expression on Liam's face. 

"Stop it, it's not funny!" Liam protested, trying in vain to prevent the smile creeping up on his face. 

Louis was now laughing so hard tears had gathered in his eyes. But they were happy tears this time. Happy tears.

"You are hilarious," Niall chortled out, clutching at his sides. 

"Shut up." came the reply from Liam, who was trying his hardest not to look amused. It didn't work. His mouth twitched, and he let out a sudden laugh. "It was fine the first time I had it!"

Louis looked around him at that moment and felt a huge rush of gratitude coursing through his entire body. It filled him with an unfamiliar warmth that seeped into the colder, untouched parts of his heart. It hardly seemed possible that just a few minutes ago, he had thought Niall and Liam pitied him. 

"Thanks, guys. For everything." Unable to stop himself, the words slipped out, his eyes trying to convey all the gratitude, all the happiness. All the _love_. 

"What on earth is he on about?" Niall turned to Liam, bemused, before shrugging.

But Liam looked at Louis and gave a small, subtle smile. "No need to thank us. Will always be here, okay?" 

Niall paused. Then, with a rueful smile, "Oh. _Oh_. Yes, yes, we love you, Louis!"

Grinning, Louis ruffled his blonde hair fondly and they fell into an awkward kind of embrace, rolling around on the bed. 

They spent the rest of the day eating, drinking beer, watching TV and drinking beer. Oh, and chasing Niall, who was parading around in his underwear, down the hallways. The sounds of their laughs mingled in the air along with the smell of beer and the warm late afternoon light pouring in through billowing curtains. It altogether made the atmosphere feel light and silly and happy. 

Louis felt like he was floating through a hazy state of mind. No, he was not high. Just happy. Very, very happy. 

"I'm happy," he admitted out loud, the words foreign in his mouth. It sounded right, though. 

"I'm happy, too. Let's be happy together!" Niall grinned, doing circles around Louis on his roller-skates. Louis didn't even ask. He just laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I don't know where this is going haha...  
> Comments and kudos are appreciated.
> 
> Thanks,  
> angelicrainbow xx


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis meets someone who is perhaps even more broken than he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had such a hard time writing this... got terrible writer's block, so I know it's not as good as I'd like it to be and I'm sorry for that.
> 
> *Some mentions of self harm*
> 
> The song for this chapter is Avalanche by Bring Me The Horizon.

"I think... I could get used to this." Louis stated out loud, waking up to another warm and fuzzy morning in Niall's dorm with Liam snoring gently away on the couch.

"And what is that, exactly?" Niall responded, a tad bit irritated at having his slumber interrupted.

"You know, this. Like, I'm thinking of ditching college entirely and we can all get a small, cosy flat and I can work in Starbucks and not give two fucks about the world because I'm young and free and I just can," Louis answered back, smiling a little. Yep, the future was definitely looking up.

"What sort of drugs did you take?" Niall grumbled, shooting Louis a look through bleary eyes.

"Don't be such a wanker, Niall," came Liam's muffled voice.

Louis chuckled to himself, getting up with all the motivation he needed to start the day. Even Niall's bad morning mood couldn't dampen his spirits. With a glance out the window, his stomach sank just a little bit when he saw it was all grey and gloomy and rainy and just generally spirit-dampening.

No matter. 

That meant warm jumpers and hot chocolate. Yay. Louis was going to stay positive. The weather was not going to affect his good mood.

But as much as the thought of staying in all day and watching movies and being cocooned in thick blankets appealed to him right now, he wanted to get out and see everything the university had to offer. 

"I want to go to the gym," Louis blurted out without thinking. 

The effect that statement caused was instantaneous. Niall snapped up, sitting bolt upright and staring at Louis with wide eyes.

"Wh-what?" 

Fuck. He forgot about yesterday. 

"No, no. I only wanted to explore the university, and the gym was the first thing that came to mind. I'm... I'm just curious, that's all." 

Niall gave an audible sigh of relief but his eyes were still boring into Louis accusingly and—was that guilt? Shit, Louis didn't intend to make Niall feel guilty. 

"I didn't mean it that way," Louis said weakly, eyes flickering away. He turned away from Niall's gaze, already feeling his cheeks grow warm, and hurriedly threw on one of Niall's jumpers and his jeans. 

"Are you going out now? What about breakfast?" Liam asked quickly.

"I'll just grab it on the way. Or if you guys wanted to come as well? I just thought you'd like to sleep in a bit more."

"Stop thinking for us. Of course we'd like to come!" Niall gave a light laugh, although the tension in his voice was still there.

Louis paused, shuffling his feet. "Oh. Well then hurry up, Neil." he said, smiling a little.

Niall's eyebrows shot upward immediately, unimpressed, and a wide grin slid easily across Louis' face.

"You did not just call me Neil." 

"Yes, I did."

"You are a massive dickhead."

"I know, and you love me for it," Louis darted cheekily away from the pillow that was chucked rather poorly at his head and threw Niall a wink. 

**

It took a good solid hour for Niall and Liam to get ready and walk out the door, then for Niall to forget his keys and then remember they were in his pocket all along, and then for Liam to realise there was a coffee stain on his shirt and then have to go back in and change into another shirt. All the while, Louis got more and more irritated with no caffeine in his bloodstream and an empty stomach grumbling at him.

"Let's fucking _go_ ," Louis said through gritted teeth, when Niall had to turn back yet again to retrieve his phone. Making a noise suspiciously like a growl, Louis stormed ahead, pulling Liam along by the ear. 

"Oww!" Liam whined dramatically. "I can _walk_ by myself, thanks mum."

**

The queue stretched for what seemed like 100 miles. They were at a fancy restaurant Liam and Niall had recommended, but right now, Louis couldn't give a fuck if they had folded serviettes and special mineral water, or whatever. He just wanted _breakfast_. 

"I'm in pain," Louis moaned, clawing at his stomach desperately. "I'm a grown man who needs his food."

Liam looked at Louis with feigned innocence, a quirk of a smile playing on his lips. 

"You fucker. I bet you chose this restaurant just to piss me off! Why must you deprive me of such a necessity?" Glaring, Louis looked at Niall accusingly, who was struggling to keep a straight face. 

"Why would we do that?"

"You look like you're choking," Louis sniffed, quite sassily, he could admit. It was true. Niall's face was red from holding back his laughter and little choking noises were emitting from his throat.

"And you look like a sour old prune!" Niall dissolved into laughter, doubling over and slapping his knee. Liam began cackling, shoving a finger at Louis' unamused face.

"It's rude to point," came the reply, accompanied with a glare and a spin as Louis walked away.

He could hear Niall and Liam practically _dying_ of laughter back there, and maybe it was a bit funny. And maybe he would laugh, if it wasn't for the empty stomach eating away at his insides. Right now, he was cranky as fuck and would devour a whole restaurant.

"Oi, where are you going?" shouted Niall, before another fit of laughter took him.

Louis put up the middle finger at him. "Away from you cunts."

"That's mean!" Liam called out, giggling. 

Fuck them. Fuck them all. Louis was definitely not seeing the funny side. 

He picked up the pace, speeding away to a nearby coffee shop. Stepping inside, glorious and wonderful and just altogether beautiful aromas of food assaulted his senses and set his mouth watering.

"Fucking finally," Louis muttered under his breath, before ordering the super-duper deluxe breakfast set. He turned around as the tinkling of bells announced the arrival of a very pleased Niall and Liam. 

"Hey! Louis! Fancy seeing you here!" Liam exclaimed, feigning surprise.

"'M not talking to you dicks."

Smirking, Liam ruffled Louis' hair fondly, earning himself a glare and a punch.

Walking to a vacant table, Louis decided he was not going to talk to them for the rest of the day. No, he was not childish. Who, Louis? Childish? Pft, never. Just very stubborn and very, very hungry.

Ten minutes later, the server arrived at their table carrying a tray laden with enough food to feed a whole colony. While waiting, Niall and Liam had pulled faces and threw bits of napkin at Louis, laughing when it stuck in his hair, but Louis had stayed true to his word and not uttered a single insult. To their amusement, he had kept his mouth firmly shut the whole time. When the food arrived, he gave them a single glare, before grabbing handfuls of bacon and egg and gulping it all down, making noises not dissimilar to those of a caveman.

"Didn't know we had a pig as a friend, Li." Niall grinned as Louis slurped and licked and devoured.

"Shut up, this is heavenly," Louis replied, bits of egg spraying over the table. A shocked silence came over them, Louis' mouth agape. An annoyed frown made its way onto his face. 

Damn. 

Niall and Liam were instantly falling about with laughter.

"Knew you couldn't keep silent for long, ya cunt!" Looking way too pleased with himself, Niall giggled and stole some toast from Louis' plate.

"Oi! Keep your hands off my food!" Louis glowered at him, swatting his hands away. He then proceeded to stare glumly at the half eaten pile of food on his plate. His appetite seemed to have vanished. He sulkily pushed the plate towards Niall and crossed his arms. 

"Whatever. You can have it." 

"Ooh, really? Thanks, mate!" 

"... I dislike you. A lot."

"I love you too!"

Louis shot Niall a withering look. 

Fuck the Irish. 

**

When Niall had finished Louis' breakfast and even ordered some more food, they headed out, tipping generously. 

"You wanted to go, erm... gym, right?" Niall asked, with an air of nonchalance.

Louis nodded. "I think I remember where it is, from Liam's excellent tour-guiding skills."  He had conveniently forgotten about the coffee shop incident.

Liam smirked. "Lead the way, then!" 

So Louis did, finding that his memory was better than usual. And no, he did not count the part when he led them all into a changing room, witnessing the rather disturbing sight of an old man getting changed.

"Oh god, get us out of here!" Niall had groaned, shielding his eyes. The three of them had tripped over each other in their haste to leave, laughing and cursing.

Now, they were standing inside the gym, watching Louis gape around at the modern room filled with high-technology equipment that had absolutely no trace of sweat or odour. 

Again, there came the niggling voice in Louis' head. It was all so new and untarnished, yet another reminder that he wasn't good enough for it. Liam must've seen the look on his face, because he hurriedly pulled Louis by the arm.

"There's a room that is quite... unknown. Here, look!" 

Liam dragged Louis to a room that had a battered punching bag and flickering lights. There was a musty smell in the air, the floor was scuffed and had a thin layer of dust settled over it, but Louis instantly felt better. 

"You say unknown because..?"

"Either people don't know about it or they've forgotten it's there. It's barely touched anymore." 

On hearing that, Louis liked the little, neglected room even more. No one really understood his strange connection for abandoned things he found, whether it was a place or an object. But he found them, and on discovery that they had been neglected, he felt an unexplainable connection. 

Giving a small smile, Louis felt as if Liam almost understood this strange part of him. 

"But Louis, surely if you want to punch, you can use the ones in the other room! There's even air con—" 

"Niall. Let it go, yeah? Um... let's go back to your flat, hang around for a bit. Show us the guitar you bought?" 

"I - er, yeah sure." 

Confusion was written all over Niall's face, before he shrugged and walked out. Louis turned to Liam, unsure of what to say but feeling the urge to express how touched he was. No one had really understood him like that. 

Liam must've understood the struggle, because he quickly said, "It's all good, Louis. Now let's head back up, you don't want to miss out on Niall's horrendous singing!" 

**

Niall really did have an atrocious singing voice. Could Louis even call it a _singing_ voice? More like a belting-out-at-the-top-of-his-lungs voice. Though he supposed his guitar playing made up for it. Niall was a really good guitar player, his surprisingly nimble fingers flying across the strings. They sang old songs from the 1900's, Louis even surprising himself and doing a little dance to go along with it.

It was only when their throats were hoarse and they had gotten sick of singing the same songs over again that Louis found the desire to be alone. And that wouldn't normally have been a surprise, but the past couple of days was just filled with a staggering amount of Liam and Niall. They had made him laugh and forget and let loose, but that didn't mean _that part of him_ wasn't there anymore. Right now, he felt the need to just sit somewhere quiet where no one would disturb him.

"Um, Liam?" Louis asked hesitantly, biting his lip anxiously. "I want to go... but I'll be back! I'll be back." 

Liam nodded. "Yeah, it's fine. But don't be too late, yeah?"

Louis exhaled a sigh of relief, before agreeing and heading off for the one place he found a little bit of comfort in the whole university. 

The little room in the gym.

He made it there quickly, hurrying because it really was damn cold and—why the fuck didn't he ask Niall for gloves? His hands felt numb and there was a likely chance they were going to freeze and fall right off. 

The lights in the gym were off, the door to the room closed. Almost perfect. Louis had been scared there would be other people. He fished in his pocket for his iPod, his frozen fingers making that a whole lot harder than it was supposed to be, and jammed his earbuds in, turning the volume up until everything was blocked out and he could hear nothing but the music.

_Cut me open and tell me what's inside_

His fingers fumbled for the door handle. It was stuck and wouldn't seem to budge.

_Diagnose me cause I can't keep wondering why_

Why did it have to be so damn cold? Louis rubbed his hands together, hoping to get the circulation flowing.

_It's like an avalanche, I feel myself go under_

Ah! The lock clicked and the dumb handle finally managed to get unstuck. Louis tripped over his dead, freezing feet and tumbled into the room. And then realised he was not alone. Fuck. 

There was someone in the room.

_And I feel like I'm treading on thin ice..._

Louis tentatively plucked his earbuds out, not daring to breathe. _He_ had his back to Louis. His bare, sweaty, muscly back. _He_ had not noticed Louis coming in. _He_ was quite literally attacking the punching bag with those thick, strong arms, double the size of Louis' own thin ones.

Louis' first thoughts were that Liam had told him _no one ever used this room_. So why the fuck was someone here right now? Liam, you idiot. 

And Louis was about to turn and leave, about to close the door and find another place to hide, when he noticed something. Something that got him confused and just a little bit scared. Because why the fuck wasn't the guy using _punching gloves?_ Louis wasn't one bit sporty, but surely it was general knowledge that you punched a punching bag with punching gloves, not with your bare hands. He wanted to dismiss it as a reckless attempt and get the fuck out of there. 

Which was exactly what he was planning to do when he reached for the handle. It wasn't his fault that his feet had chosen to _freeze_ and just fail on him, causing him to fall ungracefully onto the floor with a loud thud. Loud enough to snap the boy out of his punching frenzy and turn around. Their eyes met. 

In those seconds, Louis suddenly knew.

Louis just knew. It all came to him. That the punching had not been a stupid, reckless practice, but more a calculated move. And the blood slowly trickling down the boy's knuckles was intentional. Louis _knew_ , he knew from the look in the boy's eyes, the panic fading to reveal the suppressed anger still lingering. He knew all too well. And his mind flashed back to not too long ago, when he had crouched on the cold tiles of his own bathroom floor, and the sharp metallic blade had dug so painfully into his own arm. Louis knew exactly what was going on. His mind reeled and he stumbled backwards in shock. 

Such a beautiful, pretty boy. If Louis didn't know better, he'd think the boy was crazy, borderline possessed. But he wasn't—he was broken, he was hurting, there were cracks visible on the surface. He was a fallen angel staring back so hopelessly at Louis, as the anger turned into something quieter, deadlier. 

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Before Louis' mind registered what he was doing, he had gotten up and his feet were carrying him carefully towards the boy. Oh, so _now_ his feet decided to work?

"Fuck. Off." It came out as a soft growl. In those two words, Louis could nearly hear all the pain, the hopelessness, the sadness. All of which he could almost associate himself with. 

"Are... are you okay?" Louis quietly asked. The boy flinched, a tiny, minuscule movement that Louis would've missed if he hadn't been examining him so carefully.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" 

It was not the force of the way it was said that stopped Louis in his tracks. It was not the searing glare of dislike that followed. It was the way that line was uttered, the innocent conviction. The almost, _almost_ believable mask that was so easily put on. And if Louis hadn't seen for himself what really happened, he might have just as easily dismissed it. But he did see. He saw it, saw the way the boy drove his whole body into the punches, fuelled on by pain and anger at something, anything. Everything. He saw it as almost a mirror image of himself, perhaps even more warped. And that was a chilling thought. 

"Are you... um. I—your hands." Louis finished lamely. Fuck. What a stupid thing to say. 

"My hands are fine. What the fuck do you want from me? No, seriously. This is none of your business. Just leave me alone and go." Those green eyes flashed angrily. So much anger, all of it directed at Louis. He felt like running away and hiding. His breath hitched in his throat and his stomach clenched. Of course it was his luck that he had to stumble upon something like this and cause a big scene.

"I'm sorry, I'll go, I'll go—"

"Yes, you fucking leave. Why'd you have to poke your stupid little nose in anyway?" 

Those stupid tears that always came too easily were pooling in his eyes again. Why the fuck was he crying? 

"I'm so sorry." Louis managed out, the lump in his throat making it near impossible to talk. He stuttered, trying to apologise again, but his words failed him and he fled out of the room like the coward he was. He ran out the gym, past a hallway and a set of doors, then another set of doors, and he was at the door to his flat. His empty, cold flat. Not Niall's. Louis couldn't face going back to them.

It was all his fault. Why _did_ he have to stick his nose in other people's businesses? It wasn't like he could help, which was obviously what he was intending to do. So fucking stupid. Why was he so fucking stupid?

Louis groaned, hoping against hope that he would never have to encounter the boy again. He collapsed on his bed, grabbing the covers and wrapping them around his shivering body. 

That night, he dreamt of angry green eyes and broken curly haired boys, his heart breaking a little in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who reads this.
> 
> Kisses all round,  
> angelicrainbow x


	4. IIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis meets Zayn. And Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this, sorry for the very bad chapter update.
> 
> angelicrainbow x

**For H: toujours et à jamais**

 

Louis had forgotten to give Niall back his jumper. So there he was now, standing awkwardly at Niall's door, shuffling his feet and not knowing what to say. Because he had promised to be back last night, but then _that_ had happened. He gave two quiet knocks on the door, hoping that they wouldn't hear and he could just dump the jumper on the ground with a note apologising for last night. 

Easy. 

But the door opened a little, Niall's unruly bed head peeping around it. His face lit up when he saw Louis, flinging open the door and jumping straight into his arms. 

"Hey! Louis, my man! Where the fuck were you last night? Met some hot chick and spent the night with her, then?" Niall smirked and winked suggestively.

Louis groaned. "No, Niall. I'm _gay_."

He paused, wondering if he would regret his words, stomach already sinking. Instead, Niall grinned even wider.

" _Really?_ You're gay too? You know, Liam's gay. He has this thing for a guy named Zayn. You seen him around? Mysterious bloke with the caramel skin, could be an underwear model? Liam practically described his eyes as other-worldly. It's hilarious, the infatuation he has for the guy. And Zayn doesn't even know he exists!" He burst into laughter, throwing his head back and chortling like it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard.

"Oi, Niall! Do I hear you telling Louis about Zayn? Louis, don't listen to him. Zayn and I are already a thing, _the_ hottest couple. Niall just doesn't know it yet," came Liam's indignant shout.

Louis walked into the flat with a smirk, where Liam had risen from the couch with a pout on his face.

"Zayn doesn't know it either, eh?" Niall grinned wickedly, waggling his eyebrows.

Liam huffed, crossing his arms. "It will happen. Just wait!" 

"Who the hell is this Zayn guy?" Louis giggled, jumper in his hand momentarily forgotten.

"The hottest male you'll ever come across, I mean his six, soon to be eight pack is out of this world and he's really fit and he has this really lovely voice that sounds like a choir of heavenly angels singing, no kidding—"

"Ooh, that's my jumper!" Niall interrupted loudly. "And where were you last night, if you weren't fucking someone? Me and Liam... oh, alright then, _Liam and I_ were waiting for you to come back."

Louis fidgeted nervously on the spot. "Er, something came up." He knew they'd ask sooner or later, and he hated himself for not thinking of a better excuse. "Sorry guys, I was going to call you but then I realised term starts tomorrow and I went to the library to study because I don't want to fail, you know? And then I just completely forgot, I'm really sorry!"

None of it made any sense and he was just blabbering the first thing that came to his head, and really? He wasn't even sure if the library was open yesterday night, let alone if he was even supposed to be studying anything. But Niall, gullible and unproblematic Niall, didn't think twice and instead gasped.

"Term _does_ start tomorrow! Do we have anything together? Oh no, I need to pack my books! What course do you take, Louis? I take the music one, did I mention I'm going to be a fucking fantastic guitarist? Fucking fantastic, that's right." Niall grinned, pumping a fist in the air.

"Well, I have a lecture first thing in the morning and it sounds dreadfully boring."

Liam perked up from his spot on the couch and stared at Louis intently.

"Which lecture?" he demanded.

"Oh, I don't know? I think some guy called Mr. Perkins is taking it, he sounds like a downright snooze—"

At this Liam jumped up and practically pounced on Louis. 

"But - but _Zayn's_ in that one!" came the frantic whine. It amused Louis greatly to see usually calm and collected Liam literally hanging onto his arm and whining because Zayn was in the same lecture as him.

"And...?" Louis managed out, trying to keep a straight face.

"And... and it's Zayn, Louis! Do you know how _privileged_ you are to be in the same room as him, breathing the same air as him?" Liam spluttered, waving his arms in the air.

"The room's quite big, Liam. Would have to take one big breath to be breathing his air."

"Niaalll! I'm sad!" Liam turned to Niall in anguish. "Louis doesn't even bloody _appreciate_ it! Did you hear him? I'd give anything to be in his position!"

"'S alright, Liam," Niall said, patting his arm soothingly. "You still have that sock of Zayn's you found on the gym floor, right? Not the end of the world, mate. Besides, Louis' gonna make Zayn his friend and then get you guys together, isn't that right, Louis?"

Louis was bent double laughing, unable to believe the situation and the fact that they were even having this conversation.

"A sock! A sock, Liam! Do you sleep with it under your pillow, kiss it goodnight, lick the sweat off of it?" he asked, snorting.

Liam threw him a glare.

"Shut up, Tomlinson. You better make sure you find a way to talk to him, then introduce us," he sniffed.

Having fallen to the floor, Louis continued to roll around with mirth.

"Liam, a sock! A bloody sock!"

**

It was half past eleven the next day, the time the lecture was supposed to start. Or at least that was what Louis was assuming. He had taken a seat inside the large room at the very back and laid his books and pens in front of him, then even taken the initiative to order his pens by colour. Yes, Louis was very bored.

A short, balding man walked into the room twenty minutes later carrying an overflowing briefcase and papers in the other. Louis straightened up immediately, noticing that there was still no one else in the room. He cleared his throat nervously. 

"Um, sir? Excuse me? Am I in the right place?" 

The man glanced up sourly, finally noticing Louis.

"I don't know, are you?" he replied impatiently. 

Louis felt a very sudden and threatening urge to throttle the man with his own papers.

"Well, you see sir, I have a lecture with Mr. Perkins and I don't know if that's you? You don't look like a Perkins, so I'm guessing I'm in the wrong class. Right. Okay, no worries, thank you for being so very patient and I am very dearly sorry for having wasted two minutes of your life." Louis had no idea where it was all coming from. The words seemed to fall out his mouth of their own accord, and he sat there for a while basking in his own newfound sass. It didn't last long, however.

"Wh-what? I don't like your attitude, young man. For your information, I _am_ Mr. Perkins. I won't tolerate this sort of attitude towards me in this — in _my ___room! Is that clear?" the man who _was_ Mr. Perkins shouted. His face had turned a very startling shade of red and from his pocket he whipped out a worn handkerchief which he used to wipe the sweat off his forehead.

Louis immediately shrank low in his seat, averting his eyes to the floor. His stomach plummeted to the ground and he wanted to shove his words back into his mouth. 

"I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again," he mumbled. 

People had begun to walk through the door already, pausing to take in the scene that consisted of a very agitated Mr. Perkins and the trembling Louis at the back. 

Louis hated the way their eyes were watching him curiously, hated the way all the attention was directed onto him. Now they'd all think he was an attention seeker, trying to cause trouble. 

"Sorry," he whispered, hanging his head to avoid the stares. 

Mr. Perkins shook his head angrily, ushering people to their seats with a huff. Everyone shrugged and didn't think twice about what had happened. But Louis was still beating himself over it, unable to stop himself from replaying the way Mr. Perkins had screamed at him. He barely even registered the guy who plopped into the seat next to him. 

"So. You pissed off the old fart?" the guy asked, leaning across the desk to glance at Louis, eyes flickering with amusement. 

If Louis had been in a better state, he would've blushed and gotten highly flustered. Because the guy who was leaning towards Louis looked like he'd stepped clean off a modelling shoot. He wasn't merely good-looking. He was the epitome of male beauty, and quite frankly, he was really damn _hot._

But instead, Louis bit his lip and shrugged awkwardly. 

"Yeah," he mumbled, squirming in his seat. It wasn't like he was _proud_ of the fact that his very first lecture at the university had started with the teacher shouting him like... like he was some child that needed reprimanding. 

But the guy shook his head, letting out a low laugh. "That is _so_ cool. We all hate him, you know. Finds the worst in everyone and when you finally do good in something, shits on you and stomps your happiness all over the floor. So well done, mate. What's your name?" 

Louis glanced up, startled by the fact that the guy was praising him even though he felt shit. 

"Oh... Louis. I'm Louis," he managed out after a long pause. He smiled shyly and ducked his head. 

"Hey, Louis. I'm—" 

"Oi!" Mr. Perkins bellowed from the front of the room. "Zayn Malik! Pay attention for once and stop talking in my class!" 

Zayn glanced at him with a roll of the eyes and smiled sarcastically. "Alright, alright." 

Louis, meanwhile, had sat up straighter in his seat to have a better look at the guy. So _this_ was Zayn, the infamous Zayn whom Liam adored and worshipped. That was interesting. Louis could sort of see what the big fuss was about, because Zayn really was breathtakingly beautiful. 

"Hey, Zayn." Louis whispered, a smirk on his lips. He was feeling infinitely better having seen that maybe it wasn't the end of the world Mr. Perkins had yelled at him. 

Zayn gave a lazy nod in reply, but his eyes seeming to be searching for something at the front of the room. He frowned, a pout playing on his lips. 

"He's late again," he said under his breath, distractedly playing with one of Louis' pens and destroying the perfect arrangement, which kind of irked Louis because he'd spent quite a lot of time ordering the pens and was quite proud of how it looked. 

"Huh?" Louis asked, awkwardly trying to pry the pen out of Zayn's hands without him noticing. 

"Nothing. Just a friend who's... late,"  Zayn trailed away distantly. He had an iron grip on the pen and didn't seem to notice Louis tugging on it gently, his eyes still focused at the front. "Oh, look. The fucker's turned up _now_." 

"What? Oh, right. Um, can I please have my pen back now, if you don't mind?" Louis asked desperately, pulling harder. 

Zayn released his grip on the pen —"yes!"— and half rose from his seat, a look of exasperation on his face. Louis barely noticed, too intent on arranging his pens again. He smiled happily once he was satisfied and glanced up, finally realising the presence of another boy. 

And fuck. 

Louis' smile was wiped clean off his face, a look of horror and panic and terror replacing it. He would recognise that curly hair anywhere, the curly hair that still haunted his dreams and threatened to overwhelm him. 

"... the fuck were you Harry? Hurry the fuck up and sit down before Mr. Perkins notices, you idiot!" Zayn hissed, pulling the boy into the vacant seat next to him. "Thank god he's writing notes on the board and didn't see you." 

Louis was absolutely fucked. He sank lower in his seat, turning his body so it angled away from Zayn and... and Harry. 

But surely it wasn't the same boy as the one Louis encountered in the gym room, surely it was just some other curly lad who was tall and pale. And the longer Louis told himself that it couldn't be the same boy, the more certain he was of it. Of course, he hadn't taken a proper look at Harry's face before he sat down. Curly hair meant nothing, Louis decided confidently. 

Even so, he sneaked a look out of the corner of his eyes to glance at Harry's knuckles, then realised the fucker had on gloves. 

"Because of the cold, of course," Louis whispered to himself, annoyed. He glared down at his blank page, using all his willpower to stop himself from throwing himself across the desks to get a good, long stare at Harry's face. His annoyance grew on realising that he was supposed to be copying the notes on the board and that he had absolutely no idea what Perkins was talking about. "Fuck, fuck and more fuck." 

"What?" Zayn asked, hearing Louis' despaired groan. 

"Oh, nothing. You know, just going to fail this course is all," Louis huffed, throwing his arms in the air. As he did so, he accidentally scattered the pens and they rolled off the floor. "Damnit!" 

"You're funny." Zayn let out an amused snort, before bending down to help Louis retrieve the pens. 

And Louis would regret it later, but with no Zayn blocking his view of Harry, he couldn't stop his eyes from sliding cautiously to look at the boy. 

At that moment, Louis swore the time slowed down, and maybe the surface of the earth even cracked a tiny bit. 

Because Harry was staring back at Louis just as intently. And it destroyed all the happy thoughts that Harry wasn't the boy from the gym, because he was, he was and Louis's stomach dropped to his feet. 

Harry was the boy from the gym. 

And it was those _eyes_. Those fucking green eyes that bore into his soul and burned him from the inside out, the eyes that ruptured a vein in his heart and caused blood to spill all over the place. Caused Louis to remember the way Harry had shouted at him and how even though they were so, so angry, his green eyes had been filled with a staggering amount of pain and sadness. 

"Oi, here are your pens, Louis," Zayn said, head popping up from under the desk, still highly amused. He didn't seem to notice the tension between Louis and Harry, didn't seem to notice that there was a thin glass barrier between the two of them and if one of them showed any sign of recognition, the barrier would shatter into a million pieces. 

"Um, Louis?" Zayn turned around in confusion, finally realising something had happened in the space of him diving under the desk. 

"Yeah..." 

"Well, um. This is Harry. Harry, this is Louis. Um, so. What's going on?" he awkwardly managed out, eyes flickering nervously. 

"Nothing." Louis said, tearing his eyes away with some difficulty. He grabbed the pens from Zayn and began ordering them all over again, not noticing that his hands were slightly shaking. 

"Well. Harry, I met Louis just then. Did you know, he totally pissed Perkins off? You should've seen it mate, it was absolutely priceless." Zayn rambled on, desperate to cut the tension. 

Harry let out a low, uninterested laugh and nodded, before picking up his pen to copy the notes, much to Zayn's chagrin. 

Louis smiled sympathetically at him and shrugged, determined to squash his emotions that threatened to reveal themselves, most likely in the form of several desks being tipped over. 

"Dunno, mate." 

** 

The rest of the lecture continued on with Perkins droning on and on. And throughout the whole thing, Louis and Harry didn't look at each other. Not once. Although Louis did sneak a few glances here and there, just out of curiosity. 

When it ended and everyone was filing out, all with dampened spirits and Mr. Perkins' dull voice stuck on replay in their head, Louis acquired Zayn's number. 

"Text me sometime, and we can go out for a beer or something like that, yeah?" Zayn asked. Beside him, Harry glared at the ground. Louis fidgeted uneasily on the spot, knowing he was the reason for it. 

"Yeah, of course." 

"And Harry, give your number to Louis too." 

Fucking hell. 

Louis mentally cursed Zayn, because no matter how hot that fucker was, he had just suggested something Louis knew would come to bite him in the arse in the future. 

"What? Oh, um. Louis? Your phone. So I can put my number in it?" Harry asked in that slow, deep voice of his. He was still glaring, now at a spot above Louis' head, and he showed no intention of giving his number away. 

But Louis took out his phone anyway, because Zayn —that wanker— was watching on like some proud mother and Louis didn't like to disappoint. He handed it to Harry, avoiding eye contact and they all stood in silence while Harry typed, infuriatingly slowly, his number. 

"Take your gloves off, mate. How on earth do you type with gloves on?" Zayn snorted, reaching over to tug them off. 

And Louis, without thinking or considering the consequences that would occur if he opened his mouth, blurted out, "It's cold, Zayn. Leave him be." 

Zayn looked up in surprise, before shrugging. "Alright." 

Harry also looked up, glancing at Louis with shock, before ducking his head. And began glaring with even more anger, if that was possible. 

It shouldn't have made Louis' whole mood drop, but it did. And Louis could understand why Harry was so angry. Because he'd just made an indirect link to that night in the gym, reminding them both that yes, Louis did encounter Harry in his most vulnerable and exposed moment. And he could only guess how sensitive that was to Harry. But still, Louis bit his lip and blamed himself for never knowing when to shut his mouth. 

Harry handed back the phone without saying anything, his walls back up around him. And when Louis said bye to the both of them, Harry just shuffled his feet and nodded, before quickly walking off. Zayn was friendly enough, giving a hug and a promise to text soon. 

Louis should have been leaping with delight at meeting Zayn and even maybe becoming mates, but instead all he could think about was goddamn Harry. 

"There is something really fucking wrong with Harry," Louis said aloud to himself. Then promptly groaned, because he was way too obsessed and really needed to stop. 

And so Louis vowed that he would have nothing else to do with the curly fucker unless there was really no choice. That meant not even thinking about looking at Harry's contact on his phone, and definitely no texting whatsoever. And that meant removing Harry from his mind, because obsession was unhealthy, especially over a total stranger. 

Which shouldn't be too hard. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the chapter, my writing is slowly falling apart.
> 
> Much love,  
> angelicrainbow


	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was such a delayed update I'm soso sorry, I've just been too busy to write :(
> 
> The song for this chapter is I'm a Mess by Ed Sheeran

There was once a time when Louis had an annoying, insufferable itch somewhere on his back, just in a position where his arms couldn't reach, no matter how hard he strained and twisted.

Harry Styles was like that itch. Just out of reach, itching at the back of Louis' mind. And no matter how hard he tried, Louis couldn't stop fucking _thinking_ about him. And that was the worst bit, because he was supposed to stop, he had told himself he wouldn't obsess over a _stranger._ Harry obviously didn't care for Louis, so why was Louis wasting his time? 

So Louis sought for distractions in vain, some proving to be more effective than the others. Like the one where he'd concentrated really hard, scrunching his eyes up in frustration, then mentally tried to remove everything and anything green from his mind. Or curly. It had worked for a split 2.5 seconds, then it all came back in one big tidal wave, worse than ever.

Louis felt like punching a wall. He turned to Liam instead.

"Liam! Guess what?"

Liam grunted distractedly, head buried in his textbooks.

"I have acquired Zayn's number." Louis said proudly, awaiting a shower of praise and probably royal treatment. All he got, however, was Liam nodding vaguely.

"Liam? Did you hear what I said?"

Liam glanced up briefly. "What did you say?"

Louis gaped at him in response. "I have Zayn's number! In my phone! Do you not care? What is wrong with you?"

"I'm bloody studying, Louis."

" _Why_?" Louis asked, aghast.

Liam ignored him, turning his back on Louis. Louis felt shattered. He stared in disbelief at him, who had just chosen studying over Louis. The silence was eating away at Louis' insides, and just like that, thoughts of Harry were gone, thoughts of perhaps going to a bar with Liam to get drunk were completely gone. 

_Shit._

It wasn't supposed to hurt. Liam wasn't rejecting Louis on _purpose_ , he knew that. But that didn't stop it from hurting.

"Sorry." Louis whispered, shoulders slumping. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He was so stupid and so selfish, how could he have used Liam as a distraction when he was studying, how could he have been so _selfish_ , why did he have to be so _weak_ , so easily affected—

"—What? Louis, no, don't mind me. I'm just stressed right now because I want to do good in this course and I can't afford to fail, even though term has just started." Liam cut in abruptly, eyebrows furrowed. "Sorry for snapping at you, I'm just stressed, that's all."

Oh. 

Louis swallowed nervously, wiping his palms on his jeans. "'S okay. I shouldn't have used you as a distraction, anyway."

"Used me as a distraction? What do you mean?" Liam walked over to Louis, concerned.

"Get my mind off things, I don't know."

"Off what? What happened, Lou?"

Louis felt his resolve crumbling. It had been a long day and he couldn't take it anymore. "It's just this guy, Harry, and he hates me and I understand that, because I kind of walked in on a private moment, and I get that he hates me, but he just _hates_ me so much!"

"What? Louis, you're not making sense. Start from the beginning, yeah?"

So Louis did, from when he caught Harry in the gym room to the lecture when they met again. Liam's eyes flickered at the mention of Zayn, but he didn't interrupt. He let Louis go on, describing the way Harry's face seemed to darken every time he saw Louis, how he was reluctant to even give Louis his number. When he finished, Louis had worked himself all up and was trembling like a leaf. 

"Oh, Lou. It's not your fault, you know. Don't beat yourself up over him." Liam said gently, hugging Louis to his chest. "He sounds like a downright dick head, he does. I'll make _him_ feel like shit if you want me to."

"But he's _Zayn's_ friend. Best friend, even."

"I care more about you than a stupid crush, Louis. If this Harry guy gives you any more bullshit, tell me and I'll deal with it. It's not your fault you caught him in the gym. Besides, the gym is a public place. If he wants to let his emotions out without anyone seeing, he should've gone somewhere else." Liam said firmly.

Louis sniffled softly. "Thank you."

"Where's his contact? I think we have to delete that waste of storage from your phone."

This coaxed a small smile from Louis. He took out his phone and scrolled through his meagre contacts. He hesitated, a frown forming. There was no 'Harry' in his contacts. 

"Wait Lou, what was that?" Liam took the phone from Louis' hands and went to the bottom. And there it was. A contact with no name, only a single full stop. They both stared at it, Louis' stomach plummeting, Liam's features arranging themselves in a frown.

"Right. That's just rude, Louis. I'm gonna call him."

"What? Liam, _what_? Don't do it please, he'll hate me even more... it's okay, I don't care anymore!" Louis begged desperately.

Liam shook his head sharply and began the call, putting it on speaker.

"No Liam, this is such a bad idea, please just leave it," Louis whispered, on the verge of tears. 

The line picked up. Liam waited for Harry to answer. It was all silent. Then,

"H-Hello?" 

Louis' breath hitched in his throat. What was that?

It was definitely Harry's voice, he could recognise that gravelly, deep voice anywhere. But what completely lowered Louis' guard down, caught him unawares, was the tremble in his voice, the sign of weakness, the sign of the Harry behind walls he'd caught a glimpse of in the gym. 

Liam heard it too. His eyes flickered uncertainly. "Am I calling at a bad time?" 

There was some movement over the line, some indistinguishable rustle. "Who is this?" 

At a loss of what to say, Liam looked over at Louis with confusion written all over his face. Louis took the phone from Liam's hand hesitantly.

"It's Louis."

"Oh." And just like that, Harry's voice had turned cold. "Why are you calling?"

"Just wanted to. Um, ask? Ifyouwantedtodosomethingmaybe." Louis let out in a rush. Liam immediately began to shake his head, mouthing at Louis to hang up.

"Didn't quite catch that." Cold, distant.

"Um, never mind. Bye." With that, he hung up breathlessly. He stared at Liam for a while, the both of them just looking at each other, trying to process what had just happened.

"Did you—"

"I heard—" 

"You go," Liam said.

"Did you hear it?" Louis managed out.

"Yeah." Liam sighed wearily. "Yeah, and that's what makes me feel so bad right now. Fuck, Harry was, I don't even know? Was he crying or something?"

"I don't know, Liam. But... did you hear the way he turned all cold when I talked?"

"He was _embarrassed_ , Louis. We—we did it again. Intruded right in on a private moment. Isn't that wonderful? Maybe we should just keep away from Harry altogether."

Liam was right. Liam was right, and he should just stay away from Harry because he'd already caused enough mess, but some part of him wasn't willing to. That part of him was making him take out his phone to type some sort of apology to Harry. "I want to apologise. It's only right." 

Louis opened a new text message to Harry, hand clenched so tightly around his phone his knuckles turned white.

 _Harry, I'm sorry for interrupting_ — no, that wasn't right. Louis' thumb hit the delete button in frustration. _Hi, sorry for coming into your life_ — no, that one reeked of self-pity, which was something Louis needed to steer clear away from. He looked at Liam for support but only got a shrug in return. 

_Harry, I'm really sorry if I called at a bad moment. I have a habit of doing that. I... hope you're alright.  
Louis. _

Louis pressed send, his heart in his mouth. And then proceeded to shut down his phone before his mind could overthink it all.

"Keep it." Louis said quickly to Liam. "Hide it from me because that way I won't need to know if he replies. Or doesn't reply, I don't care. I don't care. But just hide it, please, and don't give it back until next week."

"What—why? What if he replies?"

But by then, Louis' mind was racing, thinking how utterly annoying Harry might find him, because he really never knew when to just leave it, did he? And then all scenarios began flashing right in front of him, one where Harry texted something completely hurtful back, and he just knew that he would never be able to turn his phone on again. 

Or perhaps it would be even worse if Louis turned on his phone, only to find no message sent back. Only to see the message had been read, but Harry hadn't bothered to reply.

"He won't." Louis said, a tinge of bitterness in his voice. "He won't, because I sound too fucking _clingy_ and annoying and he just won't."

"You never know..." Liam answered, taking the phone from Louis.

"Liam, no, stop! Stop, stop, _stop_!" Louis said, terrified. 

The Apple logo appeared on the screen, and he just panicked. He ran to Liam's bedroom and closed the door, breaths coming out irregular and too fast. He was shaking all over, hot tears welling up behind his eyes.

Fuck.

"Louis, you might want to see this!" Came Liam's voice, faint but with a hint of something. Excitement? No, it would be just nervousness, nervous because he was scared for what Louis might do. Right? Harry hadn't replied, or he'd replied but told Louis to mind his own business or called him something rude, and it just made Louis feel like he could never do anything correct.

A rapid knocking on the door startled Louis. He was surprised to feel tears on his cheeks. Hastily, he wiped them away. _Stupid._

"Yeah," he answered shakily. 

Liam came in, a nervous grin on his face. Of course, he was nervous because there was bad news after all. It would be bad, really bad, and Louis wasn't ready for it.

"No, please don't, I don't want to be rejected, not now... can I just see it later? I can't do it," Louis said, his voice small.

Liam's grin changed to a look of confusion. "What? What are you on about? Oh—Louis, no it's not a rejection message, okay? Take a look for yourself."

So Louis did, still steeling himself for a hurtful reply. 

_It's alright. I'm okay, thank you for asking. H._

Louis re-read the message again and again, eyes scanning the text until it all became a blur of incomprehensible words. To say he felt relieved was an understatement. Because a smile was beginning to tug at his lips, and he felt like he was lighter than a feather, floating high up above the clouds. Harry had replied politely, the message bearing no trace of the cold tone he'd used. He'd replied. He'd said thank you. He'd replied.

"Wow." Louis whispered shyly, cheeks hurting from smiling.

"Yeah?" Liam asked, grinning again.

"Yeah, that's, wow. He... _thanked_ me, Liam. Should I text him back, or leave it?"

"Nah, just leave it. Don't want to overdo it, do we?" 

"Okay," Louis replied, a tad breathless. "Thank you. I'm sorry for taking your time, Liam. You should probably get back to studying."

Liam hugged Louis, before leaving Louis to smile down at his phone. It was like everything seemed so much lighter and his life had brightened up just that little bit, because maybe Harry didn't hate him after all. Perhaps they could start again and maybe even be friends. Yeah, Louis would like that.

He would like that a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's be honest, probably one of my shorter and weakest chapters. Sorry for the shitty update and thank you for reading :)
> 
> Love you all,  
> angelicrainbow


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